Excerpts from Mothers Have Nine Lives by Joanna Alexandra Norland        Comedy

 Gina:

My social worker, she’s this real uptight cow. You know, the kind of lady who might as well walk around wearing a neon sign saying: “I’ve never been caught toasted in some stranger’s bed with my pants down on a Friday night, so what’s your excuse?” So, when I told her I was four months pregnant and Crystal was barely 8 months it was: “Miss Nolan, have you considered all your options? Would you like to read through this pamphlet on adoption?  As if I’m just gonna chuck my baby out like some used condom, so some other lady can bring her up and tell her all kinds of shit about her fat, lazy no good mother who didn’t want her. 

So, when my soc saw that I wasn’t gonna go along with her game she goes,” Well with two babies, your gonna need a double stroller and you’d better start working on it now.”  It’s always ‘you better” or “you gotta” with my soc.  So, she gives me the number for the Family Support Unit, and I called them that day.  And all the twit answering the phone could say was, “We don’t have that item in stock, but we can offer you a box of nite-time Pampers if that would help.”    Shit!

  

Excerpts from Women of Manhattan by John Patrick Shanley        Romance/Adventure

Billie explains to her close friend Rhonda, why her relationship with Bill is driving her insane. 

Billie:

It’s the courtship. He can’t give it up. We can’t give it up. It’s been three years and we’re still on the balcony, if you know what I mean.  I thought that marriage was supposed to lead somewhere, not just be some frozen terrific moment.  I thought it was supposed to be this great adventure. Like death.

But it’s always been like the photographs! And I want to be in a movie! An adventure movie where half my clothes are torn off by a gorilla and I marry the chief and I’m thrown in a volcano but I survive and become a Hollywood star and give it up and become a nun in an insane asylum in France and learn about being silent and unknown, and I invent something…useful and good…that the government and the corporations want to steal and twist for evil !   I just wish that my existence was more ….picaresque.

 

 Excerpts from The Wedding Script by Don Hannah (Canadian)         

comedy/Drama

Louise is a 35-year-old woman, full of energy and life, who has been romantically involved for a number of years with a loser. Her frustration with this stagnant relationship has finally got the better of her.

 LOUISE: 

Damn! It makes me so mad! The way he just stood here. Is that a man whose glass is half empty or is that a man whose glass is half empty?  I mean, his outlook on the world is so, so – I mean it goes beyond fatalistic - and it gets pretty depressing. I can barely remember why I had such a big crush on him.  Oh, why do I find quiet men so attractive? But he isn’t quiet, he’s mute! I mean he won’t talk when he’s awake, but he’ll talk in his sleep. Last night I hear him say, clear as day, “Porsche”. He’s got this big thing about cars he can’t afford, which is why we walk everywhere – he thinks the subway is for plebs. “Porsche”- like he was moaning in a wet dream or something. I couldn’t stand it, so I went and slept on the patio when this thing happened. I started to hear this noise by my ear like (slurping noise) so I turned, and about five inches from my head and hanging on this gooey long egg white are these two slugs fat as little pigs, and they’re doing this (repeats slurp while slowly wringing her hands). So, I watched them and I’m thinking, “That’s where Bob and I am.  Are.  He’s driving Porsches in his sleep and I’m an insomniac out in the moonlight just watching slugs fuck. "

 

Excerpts from Cocktails at Pam’s   By Stewart Lemoine
                        Comedy

 ESTELLE:

Actually, do you want to know what I really hate? I hate the fact that although I despise green pepper, everyone else alive seems to love it. I mean, it really doesn't bother me so much that I don't like the taste, because the reasons for that are certainly scientific or medical. No, what bothers me is that everyone else likes it and because they do, it is so much in evidence. On pizza, in salads.... The other night I found some in stroganoff! Oh....yuck...

And a myth has sprung up you know. People have said to me, "Well, if you don't like it

 just pick it out." But that's so stupid. Just because you pick it out doesn't mean the flavor’s going to go away. Green pepper doesn't work like that. It is insidious and pervasive, like noxious fumes that kill you and your family while you sleep. Jesus, the way some people talk, you'd think it was parsley! I've even seen, yes, it's true, green pepper that's been sliced cross-wise to make a sort of shamrock shaped ring. That's supposed to be decorative. Do you believe it? That's like making a garnish to make the bile really rise up in the throats of your dinner guests!

Look, I know you all like green pepper and so you think I'm over-reacting. But what I'm

trying to say is that acceptance of these foodstuffs can never be taken for granted. You can't assume it. It's not a given. No. This is something that has caused me a lot of unhappiness and I just don't want to go through that anymore................I do like red pepper though. I want you all to know that.

 

Excerpts from Sixty Years To Life by Nick ZagonE Serio
Comedy

Gwen is visiting her boyfriend who is in prison for cannibalism. Like Hannibal Lecter he is wearing a muzzle

GWEN:

Look what I brought. Look! A pic-a-nic basket. Like Yogi Bear! Eh? Boo-boo?  Even though I know you can’t eat … oh, here they come. To the guard: Well of course I know he can’t accept it, there’s a window between us duh! How’s he supposed to eat anything in that straight jacket thing anyway? To him.  Geez, cops sure are stupid, So I thought we’d have a little picnic just like we did on our first date, up in the park? Ya know, by that first girl they found? Well of course you remember. A little cheese, salami, French bread, this is that good French bread, it’s from Safeway. And this is the coup de gracie. (pulls out bottle of wine It’s a merlot. Like we always have. Like blood huh? Oh pooh bear… they’re saying you ate those girls. Ate them. They saw bite marks on… the bones. I told them that it must have been a critter or somethin’, a wolf, a bear or… but they said the marks, the in-den-ta-tions match your teeth. Eating women hon?! And don’t tell me I should be happy in a way because you didn’t have sex with them, that’s what one of those cops said, the little shit, but damn pooh-bear I’d give anything at this point to just have a two timing philandering son-of-a-bitch. A cheater, why couldn’t you just cheat hon? A DUI? Holding up an AM/PM? Why’s it gotta be eating human flesh?

 

Excerpts from StreetCar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams Serio
Comedy

Blanche is speaking to her sister about her sister’s brute of a husband Stanley.

Blanche:

May I speak plainly?...If you'll forgive me, he's common. Surely you can't have forgotten that much of our upbringing, Stella, that you suppose there's any part of a gentleman in his nature. Oh, you're hating me saying this, aren't you?…He acts like an animal. Eats like one. Moves like one.  There's even something subhuman about him. Thousands of years have passed him right by, and there he is! Stanley Kowalski, survivor of the Stone Age, bearing the raw meat home from the kill in the jungle! And you - you here waiting for him. Maybe he'll strike you or maybe grunt and kiss you. That's if kisses have been discovered yet. His poker night, you call it. His party of apes! Maybe we are a long way from being made in God's image, but Stella, my sister, there's been some progress since then. Such things as art, as poetry, as music. In some kinds of people, some tenderer feelings have had some little beginning that we have got to make grow and to cling to, and hold as our flag in this dark march toward whatever it is we're approaching. Don't, don't hang back with the brutes!

 

Excerpts from Vimy by Vern Thiessen                                       DRAMA

Claire, an army nurse, separates two fighting soldiers.

Claire:

Stop it!  Stop it! STOP IT!!!!
What is WRONG with you!?
You think I came here for this?
You think I left my, my life . . . for THIS?

You think you’re the only ones want to go home? You think you’re the only ones want to do good? You think you’re the only ones hurting? You think you’re the only ones who gave up something?

Well you’re not. I see dozens of ya every single day. Every day. And for every one of you, there’s another hundred out there.

So you tell me: why should I bother. Why should I bother putting you back together, if all you’re going to do is tear each other apart. You tell me.  TELL ME.